On the last few minutes of my 19-year old life, I was playing with The Beatles Rock Band with my brother. My parents entered the room when the clock struck 12, carrying a cake with a lighted candle and singing happy birthday. I was touched and caught off guard, as I stood up, clutching my battered poser drum sticks, wearing a sheepish smile. But this is not what I'm trying to say, so moving on.

After they finished their birthday song they raised the cake in front of my face and told me to make a wish. And without warning, nor hesitation, a name floated across my mind, easily, effortlessly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Just one name. There were no other words that came with it. It wasn't even a sentence, like, "I wish _____ would like me", or, "I wish _____ and I are meant for each other"...you know, normal wishes that have to do with other people. It was just "____". It almost felt automatic. I was like I didn't have a choice. So from there I just blew my candle, realizing that I just made a wish without completely thinking, in a surreal, semi-subconscious way, wondering if one name would even count as a wish.

So I guess what I'm saying here is, for my birthday this year, I wished for a person. I've never wished for a person before. As far as I can recall, my past birthday wishes often have something to do with material things, my academic life, and the future I want for myself and for my family. Never a person. Never just a person.

Now, two months later, I'm just wondering whether I wasted a perfectly good birthday wish. I wish I just wished for a big stick of cotton candy.

and here i am
behind this old piano
the windows are wide open,
and the wind is in my ear

and as i watch this dance
between sunlight and shadow
this day would've been so perfect,
if only you were here

-part of a song I've been working on. I clearly remember telling myself that the next song I write will be happier, if not having a more positive message, than the usual things I come up with. Didn't turn out so well, obviously. I feel like I'm incapable of writing anything happy, or sunny, or can make people smile even if they don't want to, like that Joshua Radin-Ingrid Michaelson collab called Sky (the title alone makes me think of bright, pretty things), or one of those cute little Lenka songs. I don't know, maybe I just thrive on sadness too much. And maybe I can't find it in my heart to write happy, sappy recruited-love songs, because that feeling is foreign to me.

Or maybe I'm just missing a lot of people.

"...where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound, and if you dance like hell, you hope you never touch the ground. What happens when the music stops? In the silence will he stay one day, one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away, so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend, then once again, reprise our roles."










next track.

I'm jumpy and restless and I miss y

STOP FEEDING!!!






OKAY? OKAY.

I really, really don't want to go through this again. Can you not just spare me, oh cruel fate?

But I guess it's too late for that now.

Oh well.

Things are slightly different this time around.

Slightly.

And I still can't decide if it's better,

or worse

Mabilis akong maadik sa games.

Last summer lang, nagkandaduling-duling ako sa kakalaro ng Chain Rxn, yung sa Facebook. Minsan, pagmatutulog na ako pagkatapos kong maglaro ng maglaro, nakikita ko ung maliliit na bolang sumasabog pagpikit ko. Siguro more than half din ng bakasyon ko ang nakain sa paglalaro ko nun. Araw-araw, walang palya. In between rounds lang ako nagrereply sa mga tao sa YM at nagccheck ng Facebook at email. Naghahanap pa ako sa Google ng mga tips kung paano dadami yung points ko. Umabot yata ako ng 41 million. Pangatlo ako overall sa lahat ng friends ko. Number 1 si Gil. 45 million ata siya. Naaalala ko pa yung pakiramdam na determinadong akong di ako titigil maglaro hanggang matalo ko si Gil. Hahaha. Pero nung bandang huli, napagod rin ako sa kakalaro at nag-fade narin yung passionate desire ko na makalagpas ng 45 million.

Ngayon naman, kakatapos ko lang maglaro nung lecheng bunny game na pinadala ni Ivy sakin. Araw-araw ko rin siyang nilalaro. Kapag marami akong kailangang gawin, tatapusin ko muna lahat, tapos kahit anong oras man akong matapos, di ko matiis maglaro ng paulit-ulit, kahit malapit na akong malaglag sa inuupuan ko sa antok. Si Ivy naman kasi eh, 59k yung high score. Nachallenge tuloy ako. So far, 22k palang ang naaabot ko. Nung isang gabi ko pa nagawa yung high score na yon at hindi na ako makausad dun. Nakakapagod na rin siya, so baka hindi na rin tumagal pa ang pagka-adik ko dito.

Marami pang games ang kinabaliwan ko: Typing Maniac (madalas ko pa rin tong nilalaro, kasi tinalo ng kaklase ko sa Philo na si Justin yung high score ko, at hindi ako makapapayag), Word Challenge (tumigil na ako dito, meron namang word generators eh), Tower Bloxx, pati yung City Bloxx na cellphone version ng Tower Bloxx, Text Twist, at iba pa. Yung mga simpleng games lang, yung mga tipong parang sandali lang ginawa pero parang nakakahypnotize. Intense akong maadik. Nakakapikon na nga minsan eh. Pero kahit gaano kagrabe yung pagkaadik ko, nagsasawa rin ako sa huli. Tatlo lang naman ata ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagsasawa, o napapagod sa paglaro ng isang nakakaadik na game.

1. Kapag lagi akong natatalo. Nakakapagod naman talaga, nakakafrustrate pa pag laging di mo maabot yung gusto mo. Although minsan, kahit gusto ko nang tumigil sa paglaro dahil lagi naman akong talo, gaya nung lecheng bunny game ni Ivy, di ko pa rin pigilan at magbakasakali, at umasa

2. Kapag lagi akong nanalo, or umabot na ako sa gusto kong high score. Boring din naman kasi pag laging panalo, parang walang kachallenge-challenge. Binabalikan ko lang yung mga ganitong games kapag down ako at gusto kong makafeel ng sense of triumph. Haha. Nawawalan narin ako ng gana kapag oks na yung high score, kasi, ano pa yung point? Unless may nakatao nanaman sa high score ko, saka ako maglalaro uli.

3. Kapag may pumalit na ibang game. Pag may nahanap ako na bagong game, or pag may nagpakita sakin, tapos sobrang maaadik naman ako dun, madalas nakakalimutan ko nang laruin yung game na nilalaro ko before dumating yung bago. Ang panget ng ganito. Nalagpasan ko nga yung pagkaloko dun sa isang game, may pumalit naman. E di ganun din.

So yun. Either isa, or dalawa, or lahat ng mga dahilang yan lang naman ang nangyayari kaya natututo din akong magsawa sa kakalaro ng isang game, at mag move on na (haha)

Kaya kahit mabilis akong maadik sa games,
Mabilis rin akong magsawa
Or mapagod

Sana makahanap ako ng game na madalas akong panalo pero hindi pa rin ako magsasawa, tapos lalaruin ko lang siya forever and ever and ever

Actually, gusto ko lang matutong hindi masyadong maging intense yung pagkaadik ko sa mga games na to. Hirap rin eh

Or not

I'm so...tired
and I can't stay this way forever.

I kind of feel like I'm in a weird place right now, like there's a transition going on inside me that I can't exactly point out. I've been trying to list down the things that are going through my head at the moment, but I end up getting stuck halfway through. Maybe they're not concrete enough to put into words just yet.

Anyway. Here's a poem I found in Ro's copy of Brandon Boyd's White Fluffy Clouds, and I think it's a semi-accurate interpretation of what I've been feeling/worrying about these past few days.

I’ve got a soft spot for you.
It might be dangerous
If pushed enough
Spot might mold to your inclination
I thank goddess
For your imperfections.
They remind me,
Keep me at arms length
Just a few less
And I’d find myself
Wandering into grey area.

Today was pretty bad, but I can't deny the fact that were a few good moments. Maybe I'm just so determined to hate this day because it started out awful that I keep trying to push away the high points so I can only remember the low ones.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

This suddenly turned up while I had my iTunes on shuffle. I miss this song. It reminds me of early high school.

I feel so happy/sad. Is that even normal?

Sometimes I'd want to think that you're to blame for all of this, so I have a reason to hate you.

But you're not.

Because this isn't your fault. It never was.

But it's not mine, either.

It's okay though, because you don't seem to mind how perfectly fucked up everything is.

So yeah, thanks for that.

The other night, I dreamed I was standing outside our house on a really sunny day. For some reason, I had my camera with me. Then a bunch of colorful balloons were slowly descending toward our gate. They were being blown by the wind in different directions, and the whole time I was shooting like crazy. I even remember taking a picture with the balloons almost directly in front of me, with the sun's bright gleam right behind them. I also remember looking through the pictures in my camera right after I took them, and thinking that they didn't need editing anymore because they turned out so pretty and the colors were perfect, and I felt so happy

And then I woke up and I was sad again.
Those pictures never existed, and that seemingly perfect moment never happened.


Meanwhile, as I was browsing through my Tumblr dashboard earlier today I came across this picture, from here





Had they been real, I figure my pictures would've looked a bit like this, only the balloons were much closer and the day was definitely sunnier.



I wish I understood my dreams.

and Ivy basically controls my life now. hahaha

http://nicaragwar.tumblr.com/

when I can spend the whole day playing and watching tv without feeling a hint of boredom

when we were free to run around rooms that were wide enough to run around in

when I wasn't pressured to worry about my future, about my life, about anything

when I didn't have to be aware of all the shit that's happening in the world

when watching tv felt like immersing myself completely into lives different from mine

when Christmas was still magical

when living still felt like exploring and discovering new things, because everyone and everything was bigger than me

when friendship was as blissfully simple as sharing laughter and trading stickers

when the smallest things can make me laugh...and cry

when life basically revolved around three things: playing with friends, playing with toys, and television, no more no less

when I still felt like I could be anything I wanted to be, and nothing can stop me or get in my way


mmm. sometimes I wish I never grew up

YAY KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

but I love Adam too!

best top 2 ever!!!

kjsdglkajalskfjad!!

this is a stupid entry!!

but who cares!!

yay yay yay

:D

I don't care if people call it commercialized, polluted, overrated...this island is still magical to me.